Death and dying; it’s not something we are generally comfortable talking about; for many, the mere mention brings cries of ‘don’t be so morbid’, or “I can’t talk about it, it’s too upsetting’. But it’s an inevitable part of life, we will all experience it through the death of others or when we face our own. What we often fear is loss of control and death can feel like the ultimate loss of control; but perhaps we can reframe it as taking control in preparing for the ultimate letting go, a release from all that we know.
We have been conditioned in the west for the past couple of hundred years, to view death as overwhelming, to be borne bravely, in some cases there is a pride in not overcoming or being able to live meaningfully without the person who has died. The handling of death has become sanitised, something that is taken out of our hands, dealt with by others, perhaps with good intentions, but it has distanced us from this final rite of passage. Many no longer know that there are choices around how we die, or that we can choose what happens to our body, who cares for it and how.
I, and many others I know want to see radical change in this area. For this reason, I don’t work directly for funeral directors; that is not to disparage funeral directors, they offer a service that helps people hugely, but for me it’s part of the sanitisation of death. I prefer to work directly with people who wish to plan in advance what they would like to happen when they are dying, who they want involved and how; what care they wish to receive and under what terms. I want people to be able to choose what happens at the point of death and how their body is cared for after, and by whom. For them to be able to plan how they would like their body disposed of and how they would like their life to be celebrated.
This brings me to the current trend to dispense with funerals and just have a big party. Now there’s nothing wrong with a good party and it has its place, but for me it’s another form of sanitisation; it doesn’t provide space for family and friends to gather together to grieve; an integral part of the grief process. Moving straight on without a ritualistic means of gathering to say goodbye leaves many lacking closure. Gathering ‘to pay respects’ is an opportunity to pause to acknowledge what the individual meant to us. This is generally why we have a funeral followed by a wake, space to grieve followed by space to share stories and provide support to each other. Death is also about the living, those remaining, as much as it is the person who is dying/has died. People’s experiences during covid showed how much people struggled when the opportunity to gather at funerals and wakes was taken away.
I’d really like to see a revolution in the way we approach death and dying, with the emphasis on what people want and need versus ‘this is the way it’s done’. The only way to do that is to talk openly about it, with each other, family, and friends, to seek information about whats possible, including what you don’t have to do. Planning in advance with someone who can guide you through the process, ensuring your wishes are written down, will really bring a sense of control and relief to this inevitable finale.
If this resonates with you, contact me to discuss how I can help you with this process.
Image reproduced with permission and grateful thanks to the artist, Lena Sass www.theshroudmaker.co.uk
